How About a Frosted Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tart?

We all need something to laugh about, a way to return to simpler times.

Here it is — Pop-Tarts.

When’s the last time you had one? I confess I sampled an Unfrosted Strawberry earlier this week. (For research purposes).

Why, you are surely asking, unfrosted? I couldn’t risk a severe shock to my system. After all, it’s been at least 40 years since last I bit into one of those things.

My Pop-Tarts revival was sparked by a lengthy feature story in the New York Times last Wednesday: “Confessions of a Pop-Tarts Critic” by Laura M. Holson. She informed us that Kellogg’s is preparing for a gala celebration of the 60th anniversary of their famed product. It’s coming up next year; a reason to go on living. Also next year, another reason to stick around for 2024, is the release of a full-length movie — “Unfrosted: The Pop-Tart Story.”

Jerry Seinfeld, who still eats and enjoys Pop-Tarts (“There is nothing better”), is directing and starring in the film, which will be available on Netflix. Don’t let your subscription lapse!

Seinfeld has roped in Amy Schumer, Melissa McCarthy, Hugh Grant and other heavyweights to be co-stars.

You perhaps thought Pop-Tarts had faded away? That they’re a joke, all but forgotten? Get this: The Times reports “they remain a cultural touchstone. Last year more than two billion were sold.”

The internet is loaded with Pop-Tarts ratings and taste tests. Joey Chestnut, who usually wins the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, once ate 100 Pop-Tarts in 30 minutes. His favorite flavor: S’Mores. (Seinfeld swears by the Brown Sugar Cinnamons.)

According to the Pop-Tarts website, there are “close to 100 unexpected flavors under one flaky crust.” The newest additions are Frosted Banana Bread, Apple Jacks Frosted Apple Cinnamon and, just in time for Halloween, Haunted Frosted Chocolately Fudge and Frosted Pumpkin Pie. Hand those out to your trick or treaters! They’ll never forget you.

Check out some of these other favorites and try not to salivate: Frosted Chocolate Chip, Frosted Hot Fudge Sundae, Frosted Confetti Cupcake, Frosted Wildilicious Wild Berry, Snickerdoodle, Eggo Frosted Maple.

The website informs us all of them are “crazy good” and “baked with one purpose: to challenge expectations with sweet frosting and delicious filling.”

How did it all begin? In 1963 Kellogg’s Chairman William E. LaMothe, a.k.a. “Bill,” had “a vision,” says the website. Yes, “a vision of transforming a delicious breakfast into a toaster-ready rectangle. So he set up ‘Doc’ Joe Thompson and his kitchen crew to create an ingenious hack on toast and jam.”

In 1964, the breathless write-up continues, the original “fab four” were released. No, not John, Paul, George and Ringo. We’re talking Strawberry, Blueberry, Brown Sugar Cinnamon and Apple-Currant.

If you scroll to the frequently asked questions section, you’ll come upon the burning question: “What are Pop-Tarts made of?” The Kellogg’s answer: “Every Pop-Tarts flavor has a tasty combination of ingredients that make them fun and unique. Be sure to check out the ingredients panel.”

And so I studied said panel on my box of Unfrosted Strawberry: “Enriched flour, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, dextrose, soybean and palm oil, bleached wheat flour.” I’m sorry I looked.

I can’t remember eating a Pop-Tart until I moved away from home and got my first apartment. Apparently I wanted to demonstrate my wild independence; I started every day with a Pop-Tart. I favored Strawberry and Raspberry, often frosted. Yum!

This went on for about five years. Then I don’t know what happened. I “matured”? I didn’t want to horrify my new girlfriend?

That lady, now my bride, looked at me cross-eyed a few days ago when I tossed the box of Unfrosted Strawberry into our shopping cart. “It’s for research!” I told her.

The following morning, with great fanfare, I cracked open the box, pulled out a tart and toasted it up.

It tasted like — cardboard. Should I have gone with the frosted? Nah.

Could it be that my palate has become too sophisticated for Pop-Tarts? Could it be I have outgrown them?

Sometimes, even when you try, you can’t go back.