Melania Unchained

This morning over our Cheerios, as my wife and I were digesting First Lady Melania Trump’s oddball surprise statement about the Epstein scandal, my bride noted: “You’re one of the few men who hasn’t been implicated with this Epstein mess.”

I agreed she had a valid point and felt a surge of righteous pride. But then she added, “Maybe you should be feeling left out. Maybe you should be asking yourself: ’What’s wrong with me?’”

Moving on, I continued to read out loud to her the hilarious story in today’s New York Times about Melania’s five-minute address to “a small group of stunned reporters arrayed in the entrance hall of the White House.”

The gist: she had no relationship with the sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein, was not his “victim” and had no knowledge of his crimes. She was not a “witness.” But to her credit, she called on Congress to give a hearing to Epstein’s real victims. What does her husband think of that idea?

Melania said she was speaking up to clear “my good name.” Huh?

She decried the “numerous fake images and statements about Epstein and me” that “have been percolating on social media for years now.”

The Times noted: “It was not clear why she chose to speak out now, or to what reports she was referring.”

Indeed, here’s the last paragraph of the Times story: “And then she turned on her stiletto heels and stalked out as the dazed reporters started shouting after her: ‘Why now!? Why now!?’”

The Times reporter Shawn McCreesh (rhymes with “sheesh”) reached a spokesperson for Melania who said Trump knew she was planning to make a statement but it was not clear if Trump was aware of the topic. Trump later said he had no prior knowledge of what she planned to say.

What?! She didn’t tell her hubby she was going to go out there and make a statement about the Epstein scandal? Is there trouble in “paradise”?

McCreesh noted: “The first lady’s statement is sure to supercharge a narrative that the Trump administration has been struggling to make go away since last summer, when chunks of the MAGA base broke into open revolt against Mr. Trump over his cavalier handling of the Epstein investigation. The scandal has burbled all year.”

“Burbled” indeed. McCreesh aptly described it as “the hydra-headed Epstein scandal.” Let’s face it: Trump even got us into a multi-billion-dollar war with Iran that so far has killed thousands of civilians because he wanted the media to stop focusing on his relationship with Epstein and what’s in those files (still not fully released) that tie him to the sex criminal.

Now back to McCreesh, who cited a 2002 email written to Epstein’s accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell from a woman named “Melania” praising a profile of Epstein in New York magazine. In the email exchange Maxwell called the woman “sweet pea.” Melania said Thursday: “My email reply to Maxwell cannot be categorized as anything more than casual correspondence.”

But what about that term “sweet pea”? Ever since I read it aloud this morning I’ve had the dumb ditty “Sweet Pea” by Tommy Roe (1966) in my brain pan. “Oh sweet pea won’t you be my girl. Won’t you, won’t you, won’t you be my girl.” Stop! Make it stop!

Meanwhile, the pundits and late-night comedians are having great fun with Melania and her statement. Jimmy Kimmel said: “There was a big surprise at the White House today — even to Donald Trump. You know somewhere in the White House, Trump saw this happening. He spit out a whole gallon of Diet Coke. This is already better than her movie. And why is this happening today? He’s spent the past six weeks trying to bomb the Epstein story out of the headlines. Two days after the cease-fire, she puts it right back on top. She must really hate him.”

The funniest thing Melania said in her little speech, given the ongoing performance of her husband, was this: “Be cautious about what you believe.”