Grandma, Watch Out! Here Comes Santa!

Two weeks ago, in my essay on Christmas song earworms, I cited Elmo & Patsy’s “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” one of the worst offenders. But I didn’t know the story behind that insufferable song until the New York Times, in its Sunday Style section of Dec. 15, revealed its genesis.

Reporter Steven Kurutz delivered a very, very long and detailed examination of how “a simple twist of fate” led to this song’s creation.

Listen: “On a cold and snowy night in November 1978, the members of Randy Brooks’s country band, Young Country, found themselves stranded after a gig at the Hyatt Hotel on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe. The brakes on their van were frozen. With nowhere to go, Mr. Brooks and his bandmates went back inside to watch the next act, a bluegrass group fronted by the husband-and-wife duo of Elmo Shropshire and Patsy Trigg.”

Brooks was an aspiring songwriter in need of a break. One year earlier he had written his “Grandma” ditty, a dark take on Merle Haggard’s “Grandma’s Homemade Christmas Card.”

Elmo and Patsy decided to invite Brooks to sing it on stage. Nobody had any idea what would follow. The song was recorded and released to an unsuspecting public in 1979.

You know the lyrics; how could you not? Grandma, after drinking too much eggnog on Christmas Eve and needing her medication, stumbles out the door into the snow. She is not seen again until her body is found on Christmas morning, “hoof prints on her forehead and incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back.”

The reason some people find this song offensive is that Grandpa and the narrator grandson are clearly happy she’s gone: “We’re all so proud of Grandpa/He’s been takin’ this so well/See him in there watchin’ football/Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle.”

And how about these lines — “You can say there’s no such thing as Santa. But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.” They seem to be saying Santa did a good thing by running over Grandma!

Hence the controversy. From the Times story: “The Gray Panthers, an advocacy group for seniors, protested the song, claiming it was ageist and hostile to grandmothers. Some stations refused to play the song.”

But there were plenty of DJs eager to play it, and they’re still doing so every Christmas. Brooks, now 76, who had made a bundle in royalties, remains amazed by its long-running success. “I wrote it to sing to drunks in a bar.”

As a lover of novelty tunes, I went out and bought a “45” of “Grandma” decades ago. I included it on my first custom-made cassette of Randy’s Christmas Classics.

But guess what, “Grandma” is controversial within my own marriage. My wife loathes and despises it. For the sake of marital harmony, I made a new “Best of Christmas” tape, excluding Elmo & Patsy. Harmony reigned in our household. (So far I’ve resisted suggestions that I also delete “The Chipmunk Song.”)

After reading the Times epic I went looking for my copy of “Grandma.” And — it’s gone! When I asked my bride about this, she reminded me that years ago she persuaded me to throw it away or unload it to a used records store. D’oh!

However, during the search through my collection of 45 r.p.m. Christmas songs I found some I did not deep six — including Father Guido Sarducci’s “I Won’t Be Twisting This Christmas.”

You might remember Guido from Saturday Night Live, delivering irreverent religious commentary while chain smoking. He continued to milk that character on the “Twisting” record, singing in that phony Italian accent about how he won’t be twisting this Christmas. How come? “Your boyfriend’s back in town.” You can hear him song it on youtube.

Father Guido still has a place of honor on my greatest hits of Christmas tape. Both my wife and I think it’s funny. That’s a good earworm.

Also in my collection and on youtube is something you almost certainly have never heard: “Reggie For Christmas.” This was a local (New Haven area) single created in 1982 by KC101 morning DJ Chris Evans. On the song Evans’ character Hammerhead interviews his sidekick Hozay Smith about seeing New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner sitting on Santa’s lap, begging him to bring Reggie Jackson back to the Yanks. (Jackson left the team after the 1981 season and never returned.) Thus Steinbrenner’s plea — “Please send me Reggie for Christmas” — goes for naught.

Oh hell yes, “Reggie For Christmas” is on my Christmas cassette, and it’s never been seriously challenged. My wife knows I’m a big Yankees fan. (How about this one: “Please send me Soto for Christmas.”)

Some people say this is “the most wonderful time of the year” but geez, there’s another awful earworm! I wish you a joyous season — free of holiday song earworms.